I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
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Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.