Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
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Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
This was a bad idea all around
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.