I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
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[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.