Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
You Might Also Like
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
That time Alicia messaged me
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*