wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
You Might Also Like
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.