I need to update my racial profile.
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Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
*seductively corrects your posture*
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.