Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
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My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
🤣😂
If snakes were wide
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad