brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
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How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.