How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
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When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
<- sleeps well with others
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.