People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
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My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof