Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
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him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.