Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
You Might Also Like
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?