Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
You Might Also Like
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
I have so many questions.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…