Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
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So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”