Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
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Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Check out the legs on this baby
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
fr
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.