Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
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My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Growing out my freckles.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.