My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
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Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.