My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
You Might Also Like
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat