My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
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Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?