I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
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ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
do horses think humans are hats
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert