Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
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just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Banking tips
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven