I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
You Might Also Like
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them