Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*

I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.

Me after 1 airport cocktail:

*leans in for a kiss*

DENTIST: stop that

Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠

My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣

Them: Describe your personality using one word.

Me: no

I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.

[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.

looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”

me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby

him: mom I’m 35 years old

Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do

me: correct me if I’m wrong-

the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right

Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.

I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.

She’s mine

I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option

I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.

I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.

My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.

me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]

Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?

“Nah”

*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*

Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it

3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.

3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?

She’s going to crush high school.

Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*

I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.

The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen