“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
You Might Also Like
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
first you must answer his riddles
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone