Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
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[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
seems fine