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subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Not today
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
peeping toms
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.