In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
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[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Looking at you, Jesus.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
How long do you have to wait between naps?
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years