How long do you have to wait between naps?
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Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”