How long do you have to wait between naps?
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Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign