How long do you have to wait between naps?
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I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
#CoronaOutbreak
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.