@sjredmond

Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.

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@Bob_Janke

Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them

@IamJackBoot

Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.

Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.

@mela_shea

[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

@BoomBoomBetty

[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]

stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you

@meantomyself

If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK

@HenpeckedHal

me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age

@bridger_w

If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”

@shanethevein

I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.

You know we just joke about being Facebook right?

@AmericanGent69

4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute

40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.

@chuuew

To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.