Dammit Chief not again
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I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.