Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
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Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
my astrological sign is a french fry
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
🤣🤣💀
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice