[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
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I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Growing up was a huge mistake
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
😂😂😂
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.