Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
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Good morning, Twitter 😊
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
HELP 😭
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing