My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
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“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
all bases covered
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.