[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
You Might Also Like
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.