A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
You Might Also Like
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy