My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
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*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Denise please return my vape pen
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
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What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.