My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
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Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.