You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
You Might Also Like
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun