Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
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I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.