just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
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Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Me trying to reach for my goals
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.