Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Saint West, the patron of selfies
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”