I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
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When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
i think we should see other cousins
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.