besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
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If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.