When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
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Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Where’s my employee discount too?
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
A Short Story.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.