@RdrJay47

When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.

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@thepunningman

I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?

“Google Glass”

I know what glass is, Catherine.

@KandyKoehn

construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again

@Philosopherbing

Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….

@KattsDogma

*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’

@whimsik_l

I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.

@Maxine12333

Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.

@candygrlMT

Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.

@MissHavisham

7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.