*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
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If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”