everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
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*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Well, this certainly took a turn
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault