Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
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Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Print is alive and well!!!
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*