Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
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Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
*offers Batman cough drops*
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
my first day as a raccoon
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
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