ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
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Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE